For This Child I Have Prayed….

My miscarriage happened over the course of two weeks in October 2013. From the day the doctor’s told me my child had no heart beat to the day I was in the hospital weeks later delivering what was left of the once growing life inside me. Many people knew about that. My husband and I received condolences and well wishes from many friends and family members. They all tried to be encouraging but nothing really helped until I continually gave it to God and I concentrated on the hope that I would one day see my baby again.

It was my second miscarriage, in November of 2014, that really made me feel that maybe being a mom wasn’t going to happen for me. No one knew about that miscarriage at the time – I purposely asked that NO ONE would know because I just couldn’t endure another round of apologies and sympathetic looks from people who cared about me. Our close immediate family knew, perhaps one or two close friends, but no one knew that after a year of waiting and finally getting pregnant, we had lost another child until I could actually talk about it many months later.

That was the reason I kept this one quiet. I’ve kept it so quiet that I’m very obviously pregnant at 21 weeks and still many people won’t know until I publish this post. I needed it to be that way. I needed to be as alone as I could be with this baby. I had to make myself ready just in case we lost another one. I had to be strong enough to show everyone that I would be okay, not complaining ‘why me’, but being strong in spite of it. And although I am strong, the pain can still be very raw and very real.

I’ve had the last two years to really think about everything my husband and I have gone through. Not only with the loss of our children but also having to endure tests and doctor’s visits to determine what the cause could be. It was in these two years that I determined that no matter what happened, children or no children, we would be all right. We would continue to go forward and we would still honor God with our faith. We would be hopeful about having children but our happiness wouldn’t depend on it.

But God knew the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4).

It’s always in God’s timing that he makes Himself known. You can struggle, push and try to force your will, but only in God’s time will things flow peacefully in your life. All those days, months and years before His perfect time is your training ground to keep your heart soft, not cynical, not harsh or angry. It’s to recognize that God is in control and only He can bring forth life to your situation (no pun intended).

Today we pray over this baby daily and anxiously await her arrival in January. We pray she is in perfect health and that she “will not die but live and declare the works of the Lord” (Psalm 118:17). I consider the Shunemmite woman in 2 Kings Chapter 4, that even though she knew her son was dead she ran to the man of God and proclaimed “All is well” and her son came back to life.

I’m still a bit nervous. Fear does grip me every so often if I don’t feel her moving around for a while. But that’s when I pray and I claim those things over her that I know are God’s promises. I have awesome people very close to me who have been praying for this baby very early on, maybe even before her conception, who help me believe for her and I’m grateful for the help.

On that day in January, when she finally arrives, we will name her Eliana Grace. Eliana means “My God has Answered” and Grace means “God’s favor”. I heard this name in the spring of 2012, not from anyone, it just came into my mind. I actually thought I had created it myself, but I soon learned that wasn’t true. The name had always been there but it’s meaning was for me, in this time and for this child, and it all makes sense now. This baby is God’s answer to the prayers I’ve started years ago and he’s given us His favor…