It couldn’t possibly happen again that someone I loved was going to die… but it did.
It was a normal Thursday and had started out the same way many of my days did. Wakeup, check Facebook, workout, eat breakfast and shower… except this Thursday I was supposed to go to the doctor for a routine check-up. This was the day we were supposed to hear our baby’s heartbeat. At 13 weeks and 4 days I was growing exactly the way I should and everything seemed in working order.
The only problem was my doctor couldn’t find my baby’s heartbeat.
As a precaution I was scheduled for an emergency ultra-sound the next morning at 8am and told to go directly to the hospital. My doctor didn’t seem alarmed, and although I trust her and I had peace, I still prayed… a lot. Matter-of-fact, a whole bunch of people prayed and I’m grateful for them.
Friday morning, my husband and I drove semi-silently to the hospital and checked in. Fifteen minutes later a very sweet girl ushered us into a dimly lit room with a major peice of equipment, a bed and one chair. After a few minutes of searching and more silent prayers, the very sweet girl left the room and retrived another doctor.
“I’ve taken a look at the ultra-sound and I’m sorry to tell you this but we can’t seem to find your baby. The gestational sac is empty. There’s also no heartbeat. It seems as if you had a miscarriage and there’s nothing more that can be done.”
“Are you 100% sure?” I asked, still not emotional just hoping for another alternative.
The doctor closes his eyes and nodds. “I’m so sorry. The same thing happened with my wife and I. I’ll contact your doctor and give you both a few minutes.”
Just as he was leaving, that’s when it hit. Both my husband and I stayed there crying, unable to process his words but knowing it was true. I had prayed so much, practically everyone I knew was praying. But God said ‘No’… my objection was overruled.
It wasn’t the first time. I had prayed so much for my father to live ten months ago… but God said ‘No’ to that too.
On Thursday night, upon hearing the initial news, I made God the same promise I did when my father’s life was hanging in the balance. “Lord, no matter what you do- if you take my father or not, I will still believe in you and serve you.” On Thursday night I said, “Lord, no matter what you do- if you take my baby or not, I will still believe in you and serve you.”
I really don’t know why I miscarried- they say it’s “nature’s way of expelling a life that would have never been healthy”. This is probably partly true but I also believe it’s a test. I believe it’s another chance for God to use something that makes us stronger and teach us there’s more to the story. And also, that no matter how hard the situation, if I didn’t believe in God this would be a lot harder for me to get through.
Immediately, that Friday morning after coming home, I thought of my father who I know is in heaven right now. I thought about how much he had wanted grandchilden when he was alive and he never had the chance to be one- to be a Nonno… but he is one now. My baby is most likely with him and my Dad will raise my child in heaven until James and I can get there.
We named our baby Jordan. The name means to “descend”. See, he or she never got a chance to walk the earth but he or she did “descend” from heaven for a little while – about 12 weeks or so – and then went back up for reasons that are beyond my comprehension.
I could be mad and angry at God, but I see the other side of the picture. I see the side of the picture where James and I have another person waiting for us when we get to heaven. I see that my baby won’t have to be raised in a world that is declining and he or she will walk us around heaven and show us everything when we get there. I see that I gave my Daddy one thing he really wanted – a grandchild that he gets to teach and play with. I see that God has made me stronger because I believe harder and can fight longer. I see that God took care of me during this entire process and eased me into this loss with grace. I can’t be mad at God because he actually gave me so much more than a child….
I’m sorry for those who don’t believe in God because hope becomes a lot harder after situations like this. I can’t explain the peace and joy I have… I’m not “happy” every minute of the day and I get sad if I think about it too long, but I have peace to cover the pain and joy that inspires hope for the future. This isn’t what I planned and I wouldn’t wish this on any person ever, but God chooses every test He hands us very carefully. He knows who can handle what and gives out grace and strength accordingly. He chose me for this test and although He likes to say “no” to me lately, I will continue to believe and to serve Him because He is smarter and bigger than I am. He’s taken care of me so far and He won’t stop now. There’s a bigger, better picture and I trust Him.
We’ll see our baby again just like I’ll see my Daddy again. I know they are both in the best possible place they could ever be and no harm will come to them for the rest of eternity. I know this isn’t my fault and it’s one more mile-marker in my life on the way to my destiny. And as my Daddy always said. “It’s going to be ok.”
Daddy- I know you’ll take care of our baby. I’m glad you’re going to be his or her teacher because you taught me so much. I love you and I’ll see you soon.
Jordan- We can’t wait to meet you. Be good for Nonno. Mommy and Daddy love you very much and we’ll see you very soon…
Becoming Invincible 
Daniella & James,
I am so Sorry for the loss of child, Jordan. I read this last night and could not respond until this morning. My heart broke when I read this. I was not able to put into words what was on my heart, could only cry for you. But no one knows your pain, only God. He is the one that can comfort during this time.
Your Faith is encouraging, Daniella. Someone that has gone through this may not have been so understanding of what has happened. I am not saying that you are not saddened, I can imagine the pain you are feeling. But, usually we are always looking to God and asking why He would allow this happen, but not you. Your Faith is shining.
Also, What you said about your father, wanting to be a “Nonno” really touched my heart. My Brother’s wife miscarried and I never thought of it like that. My Mom is a Grandmother. She is in Heaven with their child. So, Thank you for reminding me of that. What better person, besides the Lord, to raise your child, than your Father. He (and your Mom) did pretty good with you. 🙂 🙂
I was not aware of your pregnancy. If I was, I would have been praying. So, we will not wait, will start praying now.
We love you guys.
Blessings,
Catherine & Alonso