Dad-shaped hole…

I’d love to go back in time and hit the pause button on my wedding day or last Christmas when my father was alive and well. There are moments when everything in my brain shuts off and all I hear is “Daddy’s gone”. I guess I’m still in shock because he left so suddenly although he was sick for six months. He’d been getting better, not complaining of pain and eating so well with lots of energy. It was never supposed to end like this…

Truthfully, there would have never been a good time for my father to go. The position he had in our family and the impact he made on people was pretty great. He shaped us to be what he was: honest, integral, loyal, generous, faithful, hard-working, disciplined and God-centered. So much of him is not only in us but around us in the homes he built and repaired. He left his mark everywhere he was and I’m thankful for that because I can see him whenever I want now.

I suppose the hardest part in all this is that I really wasn’t ready. I actually told him that. Five days before my father passed I told him specifically that I wasn’t ready to let him go. He only winked at me. I started laughing because he was a man of very few words but I remembered when I was a kid he would always wink at me when he knew something no else did. It was almost like he was the only one who knew the secret truth. I was hoping his secret was that he was really getting better and this would all be a bunch of bad memories. Unfortunately it was the truth that he was going to a better place and would never suffer, struggle or feel pain again and would see us all soon.

Dad’s wink also always meant that everything was going to be all right – and it always was. Whenever dad said that everything was going to be ok, for whatever reason, everything always did turn out ok. Maybe on that Monday night when I was pleading for him to just keep fighting with us he was letting me know he had one of his secret truths and everything was going to be ok.

Regardless of all that, there’s a dad-shaped hole in my heart and in the hearts of all of his kids, family and friends. I know God specializes in filling those holes but it will take time and strength. But no matter how long it takes this hole will always be in the shape of my father because he clearly left a mark in me that only God can fill.