What’s Love Got To Do With it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about love.

Yes, I’m aware that I’m a few weeks past Valentine’s Day, but love should be acknowledged daily, not just on a Hallmark holiday. (I’m not knocking Hallmark, I love them. Especially their movies).

Hollywood has us believing that love is a feeling. That we should chase after “the one” because of a serendipitous encounter. But how realistic is that? Is love even a feeling at all? Or do the feelings come after a choice is made to enhance our dedication?

Merriam-Webster defines love as: “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties”. Affection is a feeling that comes from a deep care for someone. To deeply care for someone you have to know something about them. Something real and substantial. Usually, this comes from having or being in a relationship with them. To be in a relationship or desire a relationship you have to actually like something or a few things about them. But when does like turn into love? Are they different? Can they exist separately of each other? And how do you know you love versus just a really strong like?

Liking someone means there’s something about them that pleases you. It has conditions, though. If that person changes or does something against you, you will stop liking them. Love is and should be recognized as, unconditional and without limits. That “no matter what you do against me I will always have this devotion toward you and will treat you no differently than the best that I can”.

So if love is meant to be unconditional, can we really say it’s a feeling when feelings themselves are conditional?

My feelings change hour to hour at times – especially being sleep deprived and chasing after a one-year-old. I try to never base anything important on my feelings because they change. Matter-of-fact, I don’t give too much credence to my feelings because they aren’t based on anything but perception and that can be way off at times. My feelings teach me a lot about myself and they can enhance a great situation, so feelings aren’t bad. Feelings allow us to connect to each other, but should never be the basis of any decision. This usually ends in disaster for many people, sometimes with irreversible damage.

Real love, love that lasts, has nothing to do with feelings at all. I know this because the real definition of love has nothing to do with the person who loves, but has everything to do with the person who is loved. Love isn’t for you. It’s for the other person. Somewhere along the line we made love a very selfish thing, to fulfill our need of loneliness, acceptance, desire, etc. But when you really understand love you discover it has to do more with the other person than yourself. That person should always get the best and should never suffer for your downfalls. This person should be praised, and always made to feel important. That’s what “I love you” is supposed to mean. It really means “I place you higher than I put myself” and “Your happiness is my happiness because that’s all I need”.

Looking at love this way really shows you how special and delicately we should treat this four letter word. Love shouldn’t be tossed around like a sweet something to say or a fill-in. It should be meant, heartfelt, and real…every time. Anything less makes it cheap and worthless. And if you don’t love this way then you really don’t love at all. You just have a really strong like. If you can’t put that other person’s needs above your own then you may need to ask yourself if you even love that person. I would even challenge you to examine if you have the capability to love. Not many people can deny themselves for someone else. To be completely selfless all the time toward a person. But that’s how you know it’s real. When you can get pushed to your limit and beyond for that other person without backing down or turning back; that’s real love. That’s the version Hollywood needs to write more about.