Looking back at December 8, 2012, I never thought we’d get through losing my dad. However, here we are three years later. It hasn’t been a fun or a great three years but we’ve managed, had a few blessings along the way and I’ve realized there’s three things along this journey that have changed me…
1. Accepting that the pain doesn’t go away. There’s a belief that time heals all wounds. Could that be true? Maybe for some people or situations. But in this instance, for me, I know it hasn’t even come close. Will it ever? I don’t know but I’m not waiting for it anymore. I’m not mad at myself when I still feel the pain, frustrated because I should be okay by now. There may always be pain but I’ve just learned how to manage it better. I can talk about my dad (for a couple minutes) and not cry. I can look at his picture (for a couple minutes) and remember something good and not shed a tear. But if I sit long enough, or if someone talks about him with me, after a few minutes I can’t hold it back and the ache will start again. I’m just a little better now at hiding it and keeping it private.
2. You can’t understand if you haven’t been there. There’s a reason why we go through things. Sometimes it’s not for us but for others. I’ve noticed, although everyone who knew my dad offers condolences, the ones who have lost their own fathers are usually the ones that know what to say and when to, or when not to, say it. The people who have lost a parent seem to understand more and they are easier for me to talk to if I’m close to them. I believe God uses people who have had similar hurts to help others to heal. It’s why he created us to not be alone because we all need each other at one time or another to help us keep going. Losing a parent is different than losing a spouse, or an uncle. Each loss is different, although it’s still a loss and we can collectively grieve and mourn, that specific persons place has a lot to do with how we mourn.
3. Heaven is real. I’ve never in my life cared more about what heaven is like since my dad passed away. Things in this world don’t interest me as much as they did and I realize how short life can be. Those days leading up to my dads death were surreal and amazing because of the glimpses of heaven he would talk about. Seeing angels around his bed and the unbelievable peace he displayed showed me how small this world is and how big God is. It still amazes me that we are only one dimension away from touching heaven. And I’m grateful for that. I realize how much that helps in my periods of mourning. Today, I’m more interested in what my next life will be compared to this life and I’m not so stunned as how the world is turning out. My perspective has changed and I care more about fulfilling what God needs rather than what I want.
As a family we’re stronger since my dad graduated from this life to the next. I learned that being a Christian doesn’t mean I’ll be free of pain or bad things happening, but I have a friend that sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24) and His Grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). The void of my father’s presence is still felt and we still share stories and memories, but we try to manage that void with the hope of seeing him again one day.
I’m grateful for salvation. It’s humbling that God would lay out a plan so beautiful that I don’t have to say goodbye to those who loved Him and lived for Him and left this earth. I would give almost anything to talk to my dad again right now, but if I’m just patient for a little while longer, I’ll have an eternity to speak with him. God did that. God created that. I just have to trust Him and live for Him and it’s just another gift He gives.
So today, three years later, I can’t help but remember my father. I know where he is and there is happiness there and he’s completely healed. He can walk and talk again with no struggle. His body is restored and no longer frail and weak from the diseases. He probably looks and feels better than he ever did down here. There’s no time in heaven so he doesn’t know how long he’s been gone. Without time how could he miss us? He probably thinks he’ll see us at any second. Although we count the months and years, there is still work for us to do here. He fulfilled his destiny and the Lord knew to take him when He needed him. Now it’s our turn and I have a beautiful example of a Godly life in his legacy. My father left me the best pattern to follow and I hope to make him proud.
See you soon Daddy…I love you always, “Daniela-Bella”
Becoming Invincible 