Today would have been my child’s birth day… as in the actual day of his or her birth. Last fall I had miscarried after 13 weeks in a soul-crushing experience I wouldn’t wish on the most horrible person in humanity.
For a week or two after I had many encouragers tell me that they were very sorry to hear of our loss and I would “be pregnant in no time” or “It shouldn’t take long” to replace the one I lost – although there is no replacement no matter how many children I may have.
I appreciated the sentiments and it did make me feel better. I heard stories of other couples getting pregnant again three months after a miscarriage and sometimes even a month afterward so I remained hopeful. For the first three months I waited patiently but by the fourth month I had a breakdown.
I didn’t get angry or shake my fist at God, but I broke down my expectation and re-evaluated my position and my faith. I submitted to the fact that no matter how advanced science may be, only God can create life and if it’s in His plan for me to have children I will in His time. In all honesty, if I never have children I know I’ll be all right because it’s God’s will that determines the course of my life. I have to be okay with what He determines no matter if I like it or not. In my heart I can truly say I have made peace with that. I’ve learned to be content in all things. No matter how great or horrible, I need to make God the foundation of that experience and continue to move forward.
I’ve also learned that, if I call myself a Christian, it doesn’t mean I have a free pass from trials but that I may be tested more. It’s facing these tests and overcoming them that leaves you changed and molded into the person God has destined. Losing our child definitely changed me in so many ways. The miracle of life and birth is more alive to me than it ever was and no birth or child’s life should be taken lightly. It amazes me to think about how intricately each life is fashioned together and one small misstep creates an issue. It’s not science thing to me, it’s a God thing.
See, God didn’t take my baby. This really wasn’t what He wanted. But this world is cursed because of sin with diseases, sicknesses and imperfections. My baby wasn’t strong enough or healthy enough to live in this world because of that. This was no one’s fault, so why be angry?
I’m not saying it’s easy, by any means. When I see pictures of a baby, baby clothes and even ultra-sounds, that pain wants to stab at my heart. But I know how to fight back now. It’s not with tears or angry words or jealousy, but with peace and joy for that child and their parents. I’m the only one to suffer if I become bitter and angry and how is my faith honored in that?
Initially, I had hoped I would have been pregnant before I had to face this day but six months later I am not and made to live this day without my child here with me. I have no promise that one is coming or word that it will ever happen, but I still have hope that I will get to meet him or her one day in heaven. Sometimes in life you just need to be thankful for what you have now and even today I am thankful – not for losing my baby but what I have inspite of that.
Everything is okay… and I’m okay too.
I love you Jordan… Mommy and Daddy will see you soon!
Becoming Invincible 